Too much coffee, Nyuk nyuk

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .

       ~Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 
       ~You ski uphill. 
       ~You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 
       ~You speed walk in your sleep. 
       ~You answer the door before people knock. 
       ~You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 
       ~You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to
knit. 
       ~You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 
       ~You sleep with your eyes open. 
       ~You have to watch videos in fast-forward. 
       ~The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. 
       ~You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using 
         the timer. 
       ~You lick your coffeepot clean. 
       ~You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." 
       ~You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you

         don't even work there. 
       ~You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. 
       ~Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
       ~You chew on other people's fingernails. 
       ~The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
       ~Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." 
       ~You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. 
       ~You can jump-start your car without cables. 
       ~All your kids are named "Joe." 
       ~You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. 
       ~Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 
       ~You don't sweat, you percolate. 
       ~You buy milk by the barrel. 
       ~You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. 
       ~You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 
       ~You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
not 
          plugged in. 
       ~You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 
       ~Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. 
       ~You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. 
       ~People get dizzy just watching you. 
       ~When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. 
         Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." 
       ~You've worn the finish off your coffee table. 
       ~The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 
       ~Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 
       ~Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. 
       ~You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. 
       ~People can test their batteries in your ears. 
       ~Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. 
       ~Instant coffee takes too long. 
       ~You channel surf faster without a remote. 
       ~When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last
drop." 
       ~You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of
eternity 
         in a coffee can. 
       ~You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. 
       ~Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 
       ~You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. 
       ~You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 
       ~You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 
       ~You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." 
       ~You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. 
       ~Your Thermos is on wheels. 
       ~Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 
       ~You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
       ~You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 
       ~You short out motion detectors. 
       ~You have a conniption over spilled milk. 
       ~You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 
       ~Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. 
       ~You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 
       ~You don't tan, you roast. 
       ~You don't get mad, you get steamed. 
       ~You can't even remember your second cup. 
       ~You help your dog chase its tail. 
       ~You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 
       ~Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 
       ~You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. 
       ~You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 
       ~Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.