Microsoft .... nyuk, nyuk

• Messages sorted by:[ date ][ thread ][ subject ][ author ]

SUBJ: WorldCom Acquires Microsoft Acquires
By Steve Coile

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI - In an unsurprising move, WorldCom today announced
its intent to acquire Microsoft's little-known but much feared
subsidiary, Microsoft Acquires.

WorldCom, one of the largest long distance telephone providers, is the
parent of UUNET Technologies, one of the largest world's Internet
service providers. UUNET was acquired by WorldCom only last year. UUNET
is a provider of the majority of the Microsoft Network's dial-up
connections.

The WorldCom press release explained the justification for the newest
acquisition bid:

"Microsoft Acquires has long been known as the leader in aggressive
conglomeration. Unfortunately, Microsoft's recent pandering to users of
its operating systems by focusing on product development rather than
product acquisition have resulted in a glut of independent competition
taking the industry in new, uncontrolled directions. WorldCom feels a
responsibility to ensure that the industry best serves its interests,
and believes that Microsoft Acquires is best suited to achieve that
end."

Other recent WorldCom acquisitions include MFS Telecom, Compuserve
Network Services (CNS), ANS Communications, and Brooks Fiber Properties.

Microsoft spokesman Bob[tMS] confirmed WorldCom's announcement, noting
that the Microsoft Acquires division generates no revenue for the
Redmond, Washington goliath. Asked whether Microsoft intends to cease
aggressive acquisitions of its competition, Bob responded, "As we always
have, Microsoft intends to continue pursuing whatever paths
allow us to improve our products and better serve our customers. In
accordance with our belief that competition is better for everyone, we
believe that the best course of action at this time is to give the other
guys a chance to grow their businesses. Microsoft Acquires is no longer
an asset."

In an earlier, unrelated announcement, Microsoft indicated its intention
to return the year, 1995, to the public trust. The year was acquired two
years ago by Microsoft to ensure that it would continue until the now
ubiquitous Windows 95 operating system was
released. According to the announcement, Microsoft has no intention of
acquiring 1997, but does intend to name next year after the forthcoming
Windows 98. The announcement to return 1995 to the public trust has
received strong support from the Vatican.

Bob also announced Microsoft's plans to further expand into other areas
in 1998. Details of the expansion were not provided, but Bob explained
that Microsoft intends to make it easier for Windows users to
communicate with each-other over long distances, "for as little as ten
cents a minute, and for free on Fridays."

Microsoft refused to comment on rumors that the new division would be
known as MS-WorldCom.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************
--
 ______ ___   __ _____ __    __   __  __ tnally@iquest.net
|_    _|   \ |  |  _  |  |  |  |  \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
  |  | |  |\\|  |  _  |  |__|  |__ |  |  T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
  |__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__|  a terrible thing to waste."