Various nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Sun, 30 Nov 1997 16:52:13 -0500
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
drink."(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According
to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A
Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
snow."(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or
"Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
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Patient - "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I
wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think
I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having
these disney spells?"
-----------------
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of
Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of
church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S.
Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
-----------------
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,
their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!? Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
-----------------
Two New Yorkers were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
---------------------------------------
Since hunting season is going strong, I thought this might be
appropriate... This was sent in by Kevin Dewinter from somewhere in
Cyberspace...
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK|" He goes in and sits
down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,
asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils
stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the
guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license,
he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal
his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out
his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I
thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
--------------------------------------------
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of
place that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you
stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are
going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your blender.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with
their little illusion.
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you
things.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
you wanted to be on the island too.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time,
and pretend that you're a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used it.
You complain to your ISP about SPAM from a mailing list you
subscribed to.
You do not understand why people at work make references to you
and Les Nesman.
Co-Workers tell you, "you need to have your doctor adjust your
Medication" and your puzzled how they knew.
You took any of these comments seriously.
------------------------------------------------
THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU ARE BORED
Things you can do with absolutely nothing:
Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars
and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscious trying
to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing
different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to
somehow see the same effects on TV?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it
sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your
own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and
stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard,
because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to
avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking
about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself
now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty
good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it
unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your
mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem
nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about
this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster.
It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image,
and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time.
Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking
straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't
even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom
seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbor's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about
people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret
about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value
that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun
to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this
really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be
factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only
be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or
broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon
gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of
this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off
immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel
the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use
for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under
some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is
fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your
event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the
tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the
feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does
this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will
make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose.
Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes
you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog
has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15
to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of
counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc.
Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people.
Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you
can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of
times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of
person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an
even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry
at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big
that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
--
______ ___ __ _____ __ __ __ __ tnally@iquest.net
|_ _| \ | | _ | | | | \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
| | | |\\| | _ | |__| |__ | | T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
|__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__| a terrible thing to waste."